I’ve been very stressed-out lately! I’ve just been reading the latest diet book and I have very negative emotions about it. There are so many diet crackpots around.

My doctor says I need to lose a few pounds. How do I accomplish that feat? I love my food! Every time I eat something I enjoy, I feel guilty, it might be too fattening.

In fact, I’ve been having memory problems recently and the Doc says, because of my stress about my weight and what diet I should follow, I might be developing mild cognitive impairment!!!

Now, I am of Biblical Age and because of my love of food I’m starting to worry, not only about my weight but looming dementia also!

So, I have embarked on the “ To Suffer And Be Miserable Diet”.

The rule of thumb is: If I like it, I can’t have it; if I don’t like it, I can eat all I want.

So, I eat a lot of mashed up green vegetables. I don’t like green vegetables, but I eat them. Consequently, I don’t gain an ounce!

The only vegetable I like is the baked potato, heaped with butter, sour cream and melted cheese. It tastes wonderful. But I can’t eat it, therefore, I suffer.

Now, I love Italian food, so when I go to my favourite Italian restaurant, I salivate reading the menu. The thing I like is the lasagne or spaghetti carbonara with a bottle of red wine. Can’t have it! So, I order fish with mineral water.

This rule applies even when you go shopping. When you walk down the aisle of the supermarket and you see something that makes you hungry, don’t put it in your trolley. If you see something that makes you sick, take a half-a-dozen of them!

So, ladies and gentlemen, stick to my “ Suffer And Be Miserable Diet” and you’ll lose weight.

The problem is, you might end up with mild cognitive impairment, aka losing your mind!!!