I was sitting at the bar in my favourite watering hole, contemplating my next move in my life’s journey, when I heard some swearing two stools down. Apparently, the lottery numbers were just announced on the TV. No one won the jackpot, at least not at this tavern.

I was asked by one irate loser why I was so calm. I told him:

“ Unlike the rest of you fools, I was sure I wasn’t going to win!”

“ Don’t you have any hope of winning? Anyone with a ticket has a chance to win.”

“ The powers that be, rig the lottery, so people like me don’t have a ghost of a chance to win.”

I shifted on my stool and smiled at their blank expressions.

“ People like me can’t win the lottery!”

“ Why’s that?”

“ The powers that be, don’t like my character traits, my likes and dislikes. I’ll give you an example: Take Hawaii, I hate Hawaii, but a lot of people that win big always say they’re going to Hawaii. I don’t like fire dances or pigs cooked in holes in the ground!”

The whole bar was listening by this time, all with unbelieving looks on their faces. But I continued on with my story.

“ Winners always say they’re going to buy a new house, furniture or car. The whole kit-and-ka-bootle! But I’d keep all my old stuff!”

A guy at the end of the bar yelled, “ Your wife wouldn’t like that.”

“ Right, so I would announce I’m going to retain a divorce lawyer and get rid of her as soon as possible.”

The same guy at the end shouted, “ That’s terrible of you, considering all those years she’s given you!”

“ Actually, it’s quite decent of me. Because I wouldn’t hire a hitman to bump her off. I also wouldn’t share any of my new wealth with family or friends.”

Someone shouted, “ That’s a terrible statement to make.” The entire tavern, now, was in an uproar. They were all glaring at me!

I know it’s terrible, but that’s me, and people like me don’t win the lottery. I probably would tell my family and friends to get lost and don’t bother me about my money.”

The bartender said, “ You can’t be serious.”

“ Yes, I’m very serious. I would be content to live without family and friends if I won. I would just enjoy myself to the limit!”

“ You couldn’t spend your whole life as a good time Charley!”

“ Why not? There has to be one lottery winner that says, “ I’m going to keep my old house, shed my friends, dump my wife and do all the things I want to do.”

They all shouted in unison, “ You would bring shame on the lottery!”

“ You may be right. So, If I ever win, which I don’t think I ever will, but if I do, I will change Plan A to Plan B. I’ll stay with my wife. Are you all happy now?”

They all started clapping and shouting, “ Good for you!”

“ Yes, and I’ll get three young lovers on the side!!!”