I was back on my barstool contemplating my reflection in the mirror behind the bar, when I noticed the guy next to me staring into his beer and sighing deeply.

“What’s wrong with you?” I asked boldly.

He turned his head to look at me and said:

“I just ended or we just ended…” Then his voice cracked.

“Ended what?”

“We ended a relationship.”

“A relationship?”

“Yeah. She broke off our relationship.”

“I hate the word relationship,” I said.

My stool mate just stared at me.

“It’s a sterile word used by sociologists. It’s impersonal and so digital era.”

“What should I say then?” He queried.

“How about a broken romance or the end of a love affair.”

He nodded his head.

“What kind of love songs would we have with the word “relationship”, it just doesn’t work.”

What songs are you thinking of?”

“How about, “When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s a relationship”—see it sounds terrible.”

He looked blankly at me and said:

“Well, okay, we broke off our love affair, and I lost my “significant other.”

“Now, there you go again, using a sterile word to substitute for girlfriend, lover or sweetheart.”

“You’re confusing me,” he said.

“Can you imagine the heart-rendering song:

“Let me call you significant other”. Isn’t that romantic?”

“No, it sounds funny.”

My barstool friend shook his head and left.

I forgot to ask him:

When his Significant Other ended their Relationship, did she at least Osculate him goodbye?

It was lunchtime and I was on my favorite park bench. I was hungry for some juicy “Bench Talk”. My prayers were answered when an old, grey-haired, guy sat down next to me.

“Hello, nice day isn’t it?”

“Not really, I feel danger coming,” said my bench mate.

He kept looking up, searching the sky.

“What are you looking for?” I asked, full of curiosity.

“Shadows in the sky from Russia.”

“Oh, you mean Stealth Bombers,” I smiled.

“Yes, that’s right, have you seen any?”

“No, I haven’t.”

I was taken aback, this guy was serious!

“The Cold War is over,” I said.

“I’m a survivalist and I know it isn’t.”

“Remember, the Berlin Wall came down?”

“That doesn’t make any difference.”

This character was beginning to bug me.

He continued: “Remember when it all started in the 50’s and 60’s? We all started thinking about civil defense planning and how we could survive nuclear war.” His eyes were glistening.

“I remember there was talk of digging fallout shelters and evacuating  cities. Sirens used to go off once a week to remind us about the danger. But I always thought it was a crock of whatchamacallit.”

He looked stunned.

“How can you say that?”

“It was all a propaganda campaign to keep the Industrial-Military Complex making money.”

I don’t think he was listening to me at all.

“When you see the shadows in the sky, you have to “Duck and Cover” to protect yourself from the gamma rays.”

I was getting a little scared, this guy was nuts!

“We have to build more bombs and then the Russians will build more bombs. The more bombs we both have, the safer we will be.”

“That’s crazy talk,” I said.

“We have to be ready to evacuate the cities,” he continued.

“Have you ever been in a rush hour traffic jam? And that’s only a fraction of the people on the move.”

“We must practice evacuation then.”

“Don’t you understand, nothing would move. It would be extreme chaos!”

“We have to plan for survival,” he had a blank look in his eyes.

“You would have 300 million or so people wandering around the country with no food, no shelter, no organization, absolute chaos!”

“You don’t understand,” he mumbled.

“No, it’s you, that doesn’t understand. The government just wants the arms manufacturers to prosper. It’s good for the economy.”

“You’re wrong, I know you’re wrong.”

“It’s a con job, trust me,” I said.

He got up and started walking away, and as he did, he said:

“I can’t believe it’s a “Crock of Whatchamacallit.”

A grim faced man, wearing a long trench coat, got out of a black car and slammed the door. He stood looking at the Welsh mountains surrounding the caravan site. It was very quiet. John Johnson thought this was the perfect place to be alone and sort out his life. He was only thirty-five years old, but his life was full of problems. His wife had left him, the final divorce papers had come yesterday. His business was on the brink of failure. His employees were always complaining about something. People cause problems, he thought, and other people’s problems have been closing in on him. He wanted to get away from people. He hoped this remote part of Wales would give him the relief he needed. So he rented a caravan in the woods, a retreat from life.

John entered the site manager’s office to get the keys to the caravan.

“Mr. Johnson, can I ask you a favour? I wonder if you would look in on an old man and his crippled daughter, to see if they’re alright from time to time? They live a short way down the road from your caravan,” asked the manger, giving John the keys.

John’s dark eyes smoldered with anger. He ran his fingers through his black wavy hair.

“I’m sorry, but I won’t have time.”

“But, Mr. Johnson, it wouldn’t take much time. Since you came early to the site, you’re the only one, right now, to look in on them,” said the manager, looking out the window toward the road.

“Look, there’s the daughter now, won’t you reconsider?”

John stared at the forlorn figure shuffling along the road, dragging one leg behind. He turned away.

“Look, I came here to be alone, not to be bothered with other people. You will have the get someone else.”

With that, John turned his back to the manager and walked out of the office, slamming the door. He got up early the next morning after a restless night. His thoughts trailed back to the day before. The nerve of the manager to ask him to do social work around the site. Would he ever be able to get away from other people’s problems?

The birds were singing and the mountains were beckoning. John decided to take a walk in this nature wonderland. A little way down the road, he saw a struggling figure coming toward him. It was the crippled girl carrying some firewood. John’s eyes looked straight ahead, trying to avoid the sad sight.

“Sir, would you be so kind as to help me with this wood? It’s heavy and my cabin is just down the road.” The girl’s dark eyes pleaded with John.

John seemed to be magnetized to the girl, Probably in her mid-twenties. She  was actually pretty if she did something with her straight brown hair. She wore jeans and a plaid shirt which didn’t do a thing for her femininity. The girl smiled at him and he almost smiled back. But he didn’t want to get involved.

“I’m sorry lady, but I’m in a hurry and can’t stop.” His eyes turned away and he hurried on.

John didn’t feel good about avoiding the girl, but he didn’t need her problems. He cut his walk short and took a different route back, which by-passed the girl’s cabin.

For the rest of the week it rained incessantly. The weather didn’t help John’s depression. He had been avoiding the girl and her father’s cabin. He had his own problems to stew about. His life was in a mess, and he hadn’t sorted anything out yet. He felt sick to the depths of his soul.

The night before  John’s last day at the site, it was stormy. The rain was pelting the roof of the caravan like someone beating on a drum. He was engrossed in a book about how to pick up the pieces of your life after divorce.

A banging on the door jolted him out of his self-centered thoughts. Who could it be out on a night like this? He opened the door a crack and peeked out. It was the crippled girl soaked to her skin.

“Please help me, my father is trapped by a fallen tree down by the river. The river is rising fast.”

He could hear himself mumbling something about she should go to the site telephone and call the emergency services.

“But there isn’t time,” she cried, and stumbled away into the storm.

John closed the door quick to block out the scene. He stared at himself in the mirror on the back of the door, and felt guilty. Was he part of the human race or not?

He put on his coat and ran out into the storm after the girl. The rain and wind slashed John’s face, but he made his way to the rampaging river. The water was rising fast. Would he have time to save the old man?

The girl was struggling with a large tree trunk, but she couldn’t budge it. John hurried over to the girl’s side. The old man was almost covered with water, only his head was visible. A broken fishing rod was entangled in the tree branches. The girl was screaming uncontrollably. John waded into the river and grabbed the tree trunk. He tried to move it. But all he accomplished was to cut his hand on a sharp branch. He grabbed the trunk and strained with all his strength. He managed to lift it a few inches. Just enough to release the old man’s leg before the water covered his head. The girl helped her father to safety.

“Thank you, you came just in time,” she cried.

The girl limped over to John and hugged him.

“Thank you son,” said the old man, exhausted by his ordeal.

John felt good. Three happy people smiling in the rain!

When they got back to the cabin, they all dried off in front of the fire. The girl bandaged John’s cut hand. Father and daughter were very grateful to John, and his inner sick feeling disappeared.

Was this the answer to his problems, to get involved with people and get out of himself? He finally realized that people are needed in a person’s life. No more would he retreat from life.

John knew he would sort his life out now and he was determined to return to Wales next year to see the girl and her father. With his new attitude the future looked bright!

I had my seven year old grandson with me for the weekend. I was wondering  how I was going to entertain him for three days! We were walking through the town market looking at all the stalls, when we came upon a stall with some old video tapes.

“Wow, look at these old movies, Granddad.”

“You don’t want to watch those,” I warned.

“Why?” The usual question from a kid.

“They are all old horror movies and they will give you bad dreams. They’re scary!”

Little Johnny started reading the titles:

“Dracula, Frankenstein, The Mummy, Frankenstein Meets Wolf Man.”

I tried to pull him away from the display.

“Hold on, Granddad, what’s a mummy?”

“ A mummy is a very scary guy who’s wrapped up in bandages.”

“Did you see these movies when you were a boy?”

“Yes John, I saw them all.”

“Were you scared?”

“Yes, very scared, in fact I crawled under the theatre seat and hid.”

“Let’s buy one, they’re cheap, three for five dollars.”

“I told you, they’re very scary. You will be the only kid in your school with gray hair.”

“Come on, please, Granddad.”

“Okay, you’re lucky I still have my video tape player.”

So, I bought three videos, Dracula, Frankenstein, and Frankenstein Meets Wolf Man.

We watched Dracula, the first night. When the vampire leaned towards a sleeping woman’s throat, the scene ended.

“Hey, what happened, Granddad?”

“Dracula bit her on the neck and sucked some of her blood.”

“Why didn’t they show it?”

“I guess it’s too scary.”

Little Johnny looked bored.

The next night we watched, Frankenstein. Little Johnny fell asleep!

The last night we watched, Frankenstein Meets Wolf Man.

“How come there’s no color in these movies, Granddad?”

“Because, it’s scarier in black and white.”

“They didn’t show the good parts, Wolf Man killing the people!”

“It’s too horrifying.”

Johnny yawned and said:

“Too bad Wolf Man died, he was a nice guy.”

I smiled.

“Granddad, you didn’t really crawl under a seat at the movies, did you?”

No, of course not, I was just kidding!”

I was just finishing up my lunch on my favorite park bench. While eating my banana, a strange looking fella, sunken eyes with heavy dark eyebrows and a protruding jaw, sat down next to me. He was mumbling to himself, then he blurted out:

“Someone told me today that I descended from an ape!”

I looked at the man and I hoped he was harmless.

“I’m very upset,” he continued.

“Relax now, have you heard of evolution?” I said.

“Things change?” he stammered.

“Well, sort of.”

“How terrible to be descended from monkeys!”

“Hold on now, evolution means changes in living things through the process of adapting to their environment to allow them to survive.”

My bench mate looked confused.

“I always thought we came from Adam and Eve.”

I smiled and continued:

“That’s the Bible story, that’s not science.”

“Oh!”

“Evolution explains that living things share common ancestors and over time they adapt to survive and this gives rise to new species.”

The man looked sad.

“In other words, you’re telling me there’s no God!”

“What you believe in is your choice, but it might be better for you to understand science, to treat the Bible as a book of rules to live by, a philosophical book, not a text book of science.”

“Now, I am confused.”

“Listen, evolution theory states that one type of organism could change into another.”

“I thought Adam came from the dust of the ground.”

“That’s religion not science. Evolution is explaining the natural world through natural cause and effect. Science can say nothing about the supernatural.”

“So, I did come from an ape!”

“Well, evolution states we had a common ancestor, an ape-like creature, then the species split into apes, monkeys and humans.”

“I wish I could understand this evolution thing.”

“I’ll tell you what, read two books, side by side, The Bible and Darwin’s “Origin of Species” and you will see the differences.”

In two weeks he showed up on my bench again.

“Well, are you any clearer on evolution now?”

He smiled and said:

“Yes, I am, Adam and Eve were apes!”

Weather permitting, I usually have my lunch in the park on my favorite bench. It’s surprising how many people sit down next to you and start talking. I call it “Bench Talk”.

One afternoon a woman, looking flustered, plunked herself down and said:

“I just saw two men hunting pigeons with a butterfly net and then they threw them in a burlap sack. Can you believe that?”

“Lady, you see a lot of peculiar things going on now-a-days.” I took a bite out of my chicken sandwich.

“I confronted them and asked what they were doing? Neither man spoke much English. But one of the men smiled and said:

“Eat, eat. We are poor people.”

I laughed.

“Can you believe it, they were catching pigeons to eat!”

“Well lady, someone had to catch this chicken I’m eating.”

She shook her head.

“Some immigrants eat pigeons and other strange things in their homeland.”

She gave me a disdainful look.

“It must be illegal in Chicago and it’s unhealthy,” the woman squealed.

“No lady, it’s not illegal or unhealthy, just remember to pluck them.”

“But pigeons are like pets. How can people eat something that is a pet?”

The woman kept looking at my lunch, checking for pigeon!

“Look, think about a lamb, it’s even-tempered, pet-like, and they don’t attack humans, they’re quite decent and delicious.”

“Lamb! I can take it or leave it,” she scowled.

“Compare the docile lamb to a cat. Cats are known to be vicious. They kill little birds, tiny cute mice and anything that’s defenseless. Cats scratch humans and they give us the evil eye. Yet people eat lambs and would turn green if you told them to eat a cat.”

“I’ve never eaten a cat,” said the woman.

“Neither have I, I haven’t found a decent recipe for cat, but there are some excellent recipes for pigeon.”

“I might be able to eat a pigeon but never a cat,” said the woman.

“Cat might be good, I think some Asians eat them in their homeland.”

“Sir, are you recommending that I try cat?”

“Well lady, whether you eat a cat or not is your personal choice.”

She glared at me like I was nuts, so I gave her one parting shot.

“ If you ever do try eating cat, I have a cooking tip for you: Always remove the bell from around the cat’s neck before cooking. You don’t want to make a tinkling sound when you belch!”

It was a beautiful day in Chicago. I was listening to the birds singing while I was having my lunch on my favorite park bench.

An attractive couple sat down next to me. They obviously had been crying because they were both wiping their red eyes with a tissue.

“What’s the matter?” I said, compassionately.

“It’s cruel, what’s happening,” said the woman.

“What’s happening?” I said, thinking about all kinds of disasters.

They both finally turned towards me and stared.

“Look darling, it is an old person, an ancient!” the woman screamed.

Was she talking about me?

“Hey you, you’ve frightened my wife. I thought you old people were all invisible!” the man said, glaring at me.

“I’m sorry, can I be of any assistance?”

“No, there’s nothing you can do. My wife and I are both turning 40 this year.”

“But, we all go through it. I once turned 40. It’s funny how time slips away.”

“I don’t believe, YOU, once turned 40,” said the woman.

“I did, I kid you not.”

“People like you have always looked old to me.”

The man looked at me, sadly.

“You say it actually happened to you? Turning 40?”

“Absolutely. It happened about a year after I turned 39.”

“Tell me, what’s it like? How did you feel?”

“I don’t really remember.”

“Oh, it was so painful, you wiped it out of your memory.”

“No, it just passed.”

“How could you forget something that traumatic?”

“Easy, people turn 40-50-60 and beyond very quietly.”

“Are you telling us this has been going on for a long time?”

“Yes, for centuries, I believe.”

The woman stared at me in disbelief.

“Then why hasn’t anything been done about it? How come the ‘powers that be” let it happen?”

“There isn’t anything that can be done, except finding the mythical “Fountain of Youth.”

“No! Stop! You’re depressing me,” the woman shrieked.

“You’re born, then the birthdays start passing, you might make it to 80 or so and then KAPUT!”

“What do you mean, KAPUT?”

“I mean KAPUT, broken, finished, all over.”

The man looked shocked. “You mean actually dying? Like in the movies, but for real?”

“How can a person make plans?” The woman said.

They both went silent and then the man grinned.

“You’re trying to scare us. You’re a real joker. It’s a joke, right?”

“I’m afraid not, but you have a lot of time left.”

“Then we can make vacation plans?”

“Yes, go ahead.”

Having made them happy, I got up and left.

As I was walking away, I heard him say: “I still think he’s a joker.”

She said: “Who?”

When I was a boy, I used to get my philosophy of life stories from Old Herbie, who owned the local candy store in my neighborhood. I even enjoyed his tales when I was an adult. He was the most admired old man around.

He was a bachelor and he was his own man. If he wanted to wear his old jeans, slippers and Cub baseball cap in the store, he would.

He liked baseball games, poker, drinking a shot and beer, and going muskie fishing in Wisconsin.

In the lounge of his flat, above the store, he had a jukebox, which was filled with his old Spike Jones records. In his bedroom, hung his most precious possession, a 50 pound muskie with teeth as sharp as surgical scalpels.

When he caught the muskie it had bitten off Old Herbie’s finger. So, he had the muskie mounted and also his finger, and they both were on the same wall.

Old Herbie was the neighborhood hero!

Then everything changed. He met Betty the Beautician.

Herbie’s appearance changed. Instead of his old jeans and Cub cap, Betty had him in suit and tie. He stopped drinking and fishing. She had him take her dancing at the local ballroom every week.

He had to take his trophies down from the bedroom wall. Betty replaced them with an oil painting of a nude Greek God. She thought the painting was romantic. Herbie didn’t. She also, put her Perry Como records on his jukebox.

They eventually got married. The ladies in the neighborhood thought it won’t be long, because of Herbie’s advanced years, that Betty would become a well-to-do widow.

I remember the funeral.

Betty looked great, nice dress, fancy hairdo, and a new necklace.

Standing there, crying, Herbie looked down at her and said:

“I thought she’d hold up better than that. Too much dancing.”

He then went home, put on his jeans and Cub cap, and re-hung the muskie and his finger back on his bedroom wall!

Bill Willis joined the Carpetbaggers in 1943. He was thankful he didn’t have to drop bombs anymore on German cities. The Carpetbaggers were night flyers who dropped supplies to the French resistance. Supplies NOT bombs!

He loved aviation and was a B24 pilot. He learned German when he was a boy from his mother, who was a German immigrant. His father was American. He learned to fly when he was 19 years old.

In March of 1941, he came to England from America, before Pearl Harbour, to help fight the Germans. Bill was young and eager for adventure. He wanted to be a hero. He  joined the RAF and started going on bombing missions over Germany, devastating cities that had civilians not just Nazis.

On night in April of 1941, while walking in the woods near his base in East Anglia, he had an amazing experience. He saw a parachute come down and land about 200 feet from him. He ran over to the landing spot, pulled his side-arm and grabbed the injured parachutist.

The man spoke German and broken English. Bill talked to him in German. He asked him if he was a spy. He was dressed in civilian clothes. He had a brief case with him and he was unarmed.

The man said he was Rudolf Hess, Deputy Fuhrer in the Third Reich. He told Bill he had a peace proposal that was okayed by the powers that be in the Third Reich. It could end the war between Britain and Germany if it was acted upon immediately!

Bill thought the proposal should be listened to. So he turned the German over to his Commanding Officer. Bill said he thought the man was genuine. But no one in power believed the man’s story and he ended up in a POW camp.

Then in May of 1941, Bill heard of another Rudolf Hess landing in Scotland and proposing the same peace initiative to end the war before anymore bloodshed. But Churchill wouldn’t believe it . The man was definitely a spy.

Bill remembered his encounter, but who was the impostor? His man or the one that landed in Scotland? Or both?

The war went on and Bill flew many missions where probably many more civilians died than Nazis. He became a much decorated hero, but sometimes he felt the image was tarnished in his heart of hearts.

He remembered the stories of Lindbergh being friendly with the Nazis and Bill knew a hero’s reputation could become tarnished.

In 1942, Bill joined the United States Air Force. Then he was transferred to the Carpetbaggers in 1943. No more bombing missions. His guilt subsided slightly. He always wondered if one of the “Rudolf Hess’s” was really the Deputy to the Fuhrer with a peace proposal. Maybe, the war could have ended in 1941!

Now in 1950, whenever Bill tells his story, some people call him a Nazi lover, just because he believed the man from Germany. People even said he was a coward because he objected to the war and wanted it to end asap.

Maybe, just maybe, four years of war could have been avoided!

Bill’s hero image was tarnished and he felt terrible. He never wore his decorations again. Never again to enjoy his hero status!

I was sitting on my favorite park bench, eating my lunch, two cold roast beef sandwiches, a chocolate cupcake, and a diet soda. I was almost finished with my lunch when a forlorn figure of a man sat down next to me eating  a grapefruit.

“Good afternoon,” I said cheerfully, trying to raise his spirits.

“It’s not a good afternoon,” he scowled.

“Why not? The sun is shining.”

“Because I’m not sure if my wife loves me anymore!”

“How did that come about?”

“Well, the first thing was, she started criticizing my body. I’m getting fat, she says.”

“I see you’re only eating grapefruit, that should help you get thinner.”

“Yes, but I’m miserable on this diet.”

“Is that the only thing that’s bothering you?”

“No, she says I don’t know what love is and I don’t do enough to make our relationship work.”

“Love is friendship that has caught fire. I think you will have to make a decision to do everything possible to MAKE the relationship work, in other words, it’s up to you!”

“What do I have to do?”

“Well, start to really “love” everything your wife does and says because when you admire, respect and love who the other person is, it should help make your marriage or relationship work better. Liking or Loving is a Choice.”

“Well, that’s half my problem solved.”

The birds in the park began to sing!

“What should I do about this terrible diet?”

“Let’s have some fun with this one. Look, I have a diet soda with my cupcake. You know what, they cancel each other out, zero calories!”

“That’s interesting,” he said, smiling.

“See, you’re feeling better already.”

“Tell me more.”

“Well, eat your lunch in the park all the time. Eat everything you want. If no one sees you eat it, it has no calories!”

“I love chocolate cookies.”

“Okay, what you do is break up the cookies into very small pieces. The breaking up process causes calories to leak out.”

“This is great news.”

“And finally, if you can fatten up everyone around you, you will look much thinner.”

He walked away a happy man!