My long lost cousin is a very astute observer of trends, after all, he has letters after his name, LLC. He was telling me the other day that there is a glut of unmarried women and a shortage of bachelors. This is happening in epic proportions.

One reason this is happening, according to LLC, is that the modern, upward mobile female has become very choosy. They want the whole package: good looking, 30-40 years old, single professional, humorous, energetic, caring, who likes cats. No smokers or drinkers wanted.

My cousin said: “If my old lady had been that particular, she’d still be living with her parents and working at the supermarket, instead of enjoying cooking and cleaning for me, while I’m sitting here having a couple of beers with you.”

These females are so busy with their careers, they don’t notice that the good young men are being snatched up.

So now, even nerdy men are seen as a good catch. The women aren’t so choosy now. We overheard in the tavern, a young woman talking to a man and she asked him if he liked skiing.

“ No,” he said, “ I collect coins.”

She said: “ God, that’s an erotic pastime! Tell me more.”

So, will the future be filled with old biddies who have only their cats to talk to?

“ Well, cousin, what’s the solution to the problem?”

“The solution is time sharing polygamy!”

I thought for a minute.

“ You mean like time sharing “ condos” in exotic locations?”

“ Yes, like that, but this would be time sharing between a man and two or three women.”

I started laughing, but I soon stopped, maybe this was a viable solution.

“ The man would be married to each of them and spend every other week with each one. One man for every two or three women, problem solved.”

And I added: because they would have time apart, they would love each other even more.

“ Wonderful idea, LLC, did you ever get any feedback?”

“ Oh yes, I mentioned the idea to an upward mobile young female. And she said, I’m a complete JERK! “

“ Well, with that attitude, she’s better get used to growing old with her cats.” I said, putting my arm around my cousin.

“ There’s no appreciation for a good idea.”

My cousin told me a story that he said had been passed down through the family over the generations.

It takes place in the early 1930’s. There on the west side of Chicago, lived a neighbourhood photographer. Now, he barely made ends meet with his photog business. So he had to supplement his earnings with a side line. He took nude photos of women that were willing and flogged them in taverns and factories. These were what used to be called “ dirty pictures”.

It was the depression so the tainted women posed for a pittance. They were empty-faced, big chested women that life had seemed to pass them by.

The photog’s pics were sold over and over again, circulating around the neighbourhoods. This was the way smut was distributed before adult porn shops and dirty magazines.

One day this photog decided he needed a younger model to make more money. So he asked a beautiful eighteen year old girl if she would be interested in posing. Well, she told her mother and father straight away. Her father owned a corner grocery store and had several other younger children. He was very angry over the incident.

He went over to the photog’s house and banged on the door. The frightened photog didn’t open the door. The grocer yelled that if he ever came near his daughter again he would kill him.

Some weeks later, the grocer was attending one of his children’s graduation. He noticed the photographer taking pictures of the children.

“ What is that creep doing here?” He asked the principal.

“ That man is the official graduation photographer!”

“ He’s not taking my child’s picture,” said the grocer.

He then got out of his chair and punched the photog in the face. The picture taker fled the building.

The grocer explained to everyone that he had driven a smut dealer from their midst. The principal called in another photog to take the pictures.

My cousin said that within a week the photog had moved from the area, never to be seen again.

Now, my cousin thought about that story when he saw on the news, a men’s magazine owner/photog being interviewed about some lewd pictures in his mag. It occurred to my cousin that since the 1930’s there has been great changes in the way people view things.

The poor photog of the depression had to flee his home and get lost. In contrast,these days, the millionaire men’s mag owner/photog is touted as a god.

The old time smut pusher got little room to explain himself, and anyway no one would have listened or cared.

Today’s smut pusher suggests there is a journalistic necessity to publish photos of women in suggestive poses. People, now, listen to this explanation seriously, and continue to buy the magazines.

So, my cousin says, and I agree with him, there is little difference between the 1930’s smut pusher and today’s men’s mag owner/photog. The only difference is the financial gain of today’s smut man.

My cousin continues by saying the big difference is that both the 1930’s photog and the grocer were born before their time! Thus the outrage then. Now, there is hardly any outrage.

Then, my cousin joined the crowd around the men’s magazine rack. The new issue was out!

When I asked my cousin what he thought of Shakespeare, he said he preferred Harry Potter. I pointed out to him that there is wizardry and witches in Shakespeare. I decided to take him to one of the Bard’s plays. We went to see Romeo and Juliet, a romantic tragedy, and he liked it.

He confided in me that he once played Romeo in a school play. But, sadly, the teacher replaced him, saying he didn’t suit the part. So he harboured bad feelings about Shakespeare all these years.

He said he always wanted to be an actor, but people kept putting his acting down. And then Christmas time came, the time for magic, and a strange event happened.

It was a mild December evening, which conflicted with all the yuletide decorations, fake snow on the store windows  and tinsel everywhere.

Even though it was unseasonably warm, my cousin felt a chill go up his spine. He shivered as he stood listening to the Sally Army band. A crowd had gathered to sing along with the band. My cousin shuffled his  feet, he felt that chill again.

The band was playing the “Twelve Days of Christmas”, the by-standers were singing, and when they came to the Twelfth Day, a voice whispered behind my cousin.

“ Have we no wine, here?”

My cousin turned around to see a small man, bald on top but with a fringe of long straggly white hair and a grey short pointed beard. The man’s deep set, dark eyes seemed to penetrate my cousin’s very soul. He felt colder than ever.

“ No wine here, mate, off-license across the street.”

All of a sudden, George, one of my cousin’s workmates, nudged him.

“ Hey, are you going to act in the Work’s play before Christmas break? There’s an audition Monday night at the Actor’s Guild Hall.”

George was loaded down with brightly wrapped Christmas presents.

“ I’m not sure,” mumbled my cousin.

George hurried off down the street.

“ Why don’t you audition, acting is the window to the soul.”

The little man was still there!

“ Hey, who are you? What do you want?”

“ My name is Will Shakespeare! I want you to be the actor you always wanted to be.”

“ You’re pulling my leg, you don’t even look like Shakespeare. And anyway, he’s dead.”

“ No one really knows for certain what I look like. There were no photographs in my day. There were only likenesses from paintings. Three likenesses in particular, two of which were by artists working after my death and one rather good one, but maybe of someone else altogether!”

“ Come on, everyone knows what Shakespeare looks like. Everyone knows all about you, you wrote plays.”

“ Yes, I acted and wrote plays but people really don’t know much about me. I was born in Stratford, got married, produced a family, went to London to ply my trade, then returned to Stratford, made a will and died. That’s what people know.”

“ But you are a well known figure in history.”

“And also one of the least known figures in history,” whispered the man.

My cousin was dumb-struck!

“ To get back to my question. Why don’t you audition for the play?”

“ I was rebuked once, doing one of your plays and it soured me. But I’ve always wanted to act.”

“ Then you should act, and I will guarantee you will get a part in the Work’s play.”

“ How do you know, you Shakespeare impostor!”

My cousin turned around but Will Shakespeare was gone. As he walked home, he wondered if the man was a figment of his imagination. It started to snow.

Monday came and he decided he would audition after work. He turned a corner near his factory and there was Will.

“ I’m going to audition for the play. Will you come with me for encouragement?”

“ My boy, I’ll be there in spirit.”

And then Shakespeare slowly disappeared before my cousin’s eyes. Was it all a dream? Was the man a ghost? Maybe, but my cousin was determined to audition. He felt he had some new found confidence.

He got the part of Romeo in the Work’s play. It was magic!

Walking out of the Guild Hall, he noticed a picture, on the wall, among many pictures of past members. It was Will!

The caption read:

Will Shakespeare, Director, Actor, Writer and Member Recruitment Officer.

From 1960 to 1980. Died, April 23^rd, 1980,on his 52^nd birthday.

This Christmas was truly magical for my cousin.

In a motel room, somewhere in northern Minnesota, in the middle of nowhere, sits my cousin, on the edge of a bed, his head in his hands. He slowly lifts his head and scans the room, looking at the kitsch furnishings. He feels dizzy as his foggy mind asks questions:

What is he doing here? Why did he come here? How long has he been here?

He can’t remember the nature of the business that brought him here. What he does know is that he is very angry about something!

There is a picture, hanging crooked on the wall, of a village church. He stares at it then the faces of some people flash before him.

Now, it all started to come back to him. The six hour drive almost to the Canadian border. One of his wife’s relations had died and they were going to the funeral.

When they arrived at the motel the girl at the desk couldn’t find his reservation or process his credit card. She couldn’t even find keys to the room.

Time was getting on and they were in danger of missing the viewing of the deceased. He told the girl they were there for a funeral and he asked for directions to the chapel. The girl had no idea where it was even though there was only one in town. It was good there was a phone book handy. They got to the body viewing okay. But the next day they had to travel to another little burg sixty miles north to a small church for the funeral ceremony. Now, this church was so tiny they had to sit in the basement and watch the proceedings on remote TV!

Then it was time for the interment, his wife told him to pull out onto the road and wait for the procession. My cousin, by this time just wanted to go home. He looked in his rear view mirror, and low and behold, the procession was headed in the other direction! He had to turn around fast to catch up to it. They were going to a different cemetery than the one near to the church.

Now, the time came when he had to socialize with his brothers-in-law after the burial.

One of them, according to my cousin, only talks bull-shit! He’s about sixty years old and he claims to be a Korean War veteran. Impossible, the war ended when he was a child. Then in the next breath he talks about being a Viet Nam vet, he was in the army but never in Viet Nam. My cousin swears this guy is nuts.

The other horse’s ass, he means brother-in-law, is a supervisor at his company and feels my cousin and his wife are in the lower class and he shouldn’t socialize  with them for fear something will rub off. My cousin was ready to blow his fuse, but he bit his tongue.

My long lost cousin was now longing to get away from this no-man’s land. There was nothing to do there, unless, as my cousin said, you were a farmer “ who is outstanding in his field”.

On the way home, he had an opportunity to cut off the horse’s ass on the highway, he and his wife cheered as they sped away.

***

“ Wake up, darling, it’s time to head off for the funeral,” his wife smiled.

“ Oh, no, I just had the worst dream about this trip.”

“ Don’t worry, darling, it will be nice meeting some of the family again.”

My cousin sat up on the edge of the bed and put his head in his hands.

I’ve been accused of overusing exclamation marks. So, I asked my long lost cousin his thoughts on the subject. Now, my cousin believes the world has gone bonkers with too many rules. He believes that he is filling a space in this world that no one else can fill, because he is unique. Because of this, his opinions, he believes, should be highly regarded.

So, I asked him the following questions, and got the following answers:

Q. What do you think of exclamation marks?

A. I love them. I love the look of them on the stark white paper. The more the better.

Q. Do you think, as my psychiatrist thinks, exclamation marks are therapeutic?

A. By all means, it is a way of getting your pent up feelings out. Get rid of those inner demons.

Q. But what about the rules of punctuation?

A. Well, you know my feelings about rules. I feel that anyone who derides the “ Marks”, is probably a funless, overly fastidious person.

Q. What is your definition of the “ Marks”?

A. Words of strong feeling need the “ Marks” after them. This shows excitement, anger, pain, surprise, fright and happiness. I am always excited when I write, hence the “Marks”.

Q. Someone told me that in the old days of manual typewriters, people didn’t use the “Marks” much. Do you why?

A. Yes, I do know. The old manual typewriters were not equipped with an exclamation mark key. So it was just too much trouble to have to type a full stop, then back space, then push the shift key and then type an apostrophe! What a-to-do!

Q. Why do you think the use of the “ Marks” has increased lately?

A. Well, people nowadays with the internet, want to express themselves more and get noticed. When I put a lot of the “ Marks” in my writing, I feel I’m getting a lot of attention.

Q. So, in conclusion, my cousin, would you be inclined to tell me and the world to continue using many “ Marks” ?

A. Absolutely! No question about it. The King’s English will be better for it. Apparently, the exclamation mark is derived from the Latin word for joy. More joy, that’s what I say.

“ Well, thank you, my cousin, for this enlightenment.”

“ You are entirely welcome!” he smiled.

The bottom line, my friends, is that the “ Marks” are valuable tools to show emphasis and excitement.

WOW! With all this white paper, I’m getting excited!!!

My wife and I were looking for a picture for one of our lounge walls. I was in favour of leaving it blank to avoid clutter.  Anyway, I liked the colour of the wallpaper and didn’t want to cover up any part of it.

No! We had to have something to fill that space, dictated my wife. So, one rainy afternoon, I found myself in an art gallery.

Now, I don’t usually go into art galleries because I never really learned “ how to look” at a painting. There was a course like that at the YMCA, I remembered. It was listed under Adult Education. I didn’t enrol.

I never appreciated the “ Mona Lisa”. I thought if some woman was sitting alone at my local bar who looked like the “ Lisa”, I wouldn’t buy her a drink.

When my wife said she wanted something on that wall, I suggested a calendar. One with beautiful landscapes for every month. That was not chic, said my wife.

So, here I am, cocking my head back and forth, staring at paintings and mumbling to myself.

The woman owner of the gallery came over to us and said: “Do you like that painting?”

“ Yes,” I said. I lied. The painting we were looking at was a multicoloured object. Streaks of all colours were going off in all directions. My wife said it was just the right size for our wall. I thought even my long lost cousin wouldn’t like this picture.

The owner of the gallery smiled and said: “ The nice thing about this painting is that you can hang it any way and it looks good.”

She proceeded to turn the picture around in all directions to prove it to us.

Now, I knew I was ignorant of visual art. But, I would never turn the picture of my Grandfather upside down. It would be too scary.

“ Very interesting,” I said.

“ This picture is on sale for only £1000,” she smiled.

I gulped. My wife was silent. It probably wasn’t such a bad deal considering you could hang it in any direction.

I said we would think about it and I steered my wife towards the door.

Next week, I’m going to a calendar shop, with my long lost cousin!

My cousin, my long lost cousin, he lives in the USA, just popped up one day in cyberspace. Now, don’t ask me the details about his arrival, because it was a while ago, and I have a very unreliable memory. But, this man, my cousin, is amazing, he has more problems and gripes than people.

My long lost cousin has the wisdom of Solomon. He says, progress doesn’t have to be the automatic consequence of accumulated knowledge and science development, because of the problems progress creates. Slow it all down! We would be happier.

Should we go back to the horse and buggy? He’s not sure. But, look at the damage and pollution cars, planes and weapons of war has caused. My cousin says, it’s the side effects that we have to withstand that gets to us.

Let me give you an example. This is about his disdain for technological progress. Let’s get to some specifics that my cousin has related to me by electronic mail. He said he has lost thousands of $ to tech advances in the last 25 years or so. It’s not just the money, he says, but the fact that he loved his old things!

First, “ they” took his 8 track tapes. You remember those? They were those large clunky reels of tape. “ They” made them cassette tapes, then into CD’s, then MP3’s.

Then his movie collection got changed. Beta, then VHS, DVD;s to Blue Ray. What next, he says, holograms in the middle of his lounge?

Now, he still has his old 8 track tape player, but can’t get it repaired. “ They” say it’s too old, no parts available. It’s an antique!

One good thing, he tells me, is that he kept his old crank phonograph player, so at least he can play his 78 rpm records.

My cousin says, people need to have their progress slowly. Everything today is much too rapid.

If tech advances were taken gradually, step by step, my cousin probably would still be playing his cherished 8 track tapes.

Anyway, he believes the world has gone progress bonkers, crazy, mad!!!

I really feel for him, don’t you?

I was sitting at the bar in my favourite watering hole, contemplating my next move in my life’s journey, when I heard some swearing two stools down. Apparently, the lottery numbers were just announced on the TV. No one won the jackpot, at least not at this tavern.

I was asked by one irate loser why I was so calm. I told him:

“ Unlike the rest of you fools, I was sure I wasn’t going to win!”

“ Don’t you have any hope of winning? Anyone with a ticket has a chance to win.”

“ The powers that be, rig the lottery, so people like me don’t have a ghost of a chance to win.”

I shifted on my stool and smiled at their blank expressions.

“ People like me can’t win the lottery!”

“ Why’s that?”

“ The powers that be, don’t like my character traits, my likes and dislikes. I’ll give you an example: Take Hawaii, I hate Hawaii, but a lot of people that win big always say they’re going to Hawaii. I don’t like fire dances or pigs cooked in holes in the ground!”

The whole bar was listening by this time, all with unbelieving looks on their faces. But I continued on with my story.

“ Winners always say they’re going to buy a new house, furniture or car. The whole kit-and-ka-bootle! But I’d keep all my old stuff!”

A guy at the end of the bar yelled, “ Your wife wouldn’t like that.”

“ Right, so I would announce I’m going to retain a divorce lawyer and get rid of her as soon as possible.”

The same guy at the end shouted, “ That’s terrible of you, considering all those years she’s given you!”

“ Actually, it’s quite decent of me. Because I wouldn’t hire a hitman to bump her off. I also wouldn’t share any of my new wealth with family or friends.”

Someone shouted, “ That’s a terrible statement to make.” The entire tavern, now, was in an uproar. They were all glaring at me!

I know it’s terrible, but that’s me, and people like me don’t win the lottery. I probably would tell my family and friends to get lost and don’t bother me about my money.”

The bartender said, “ You can’t be serious.”

“ Yes, I’m very serious. I would be content to live without family and friends if I won. I would just enjoy myself to the limit!”

“ You couldn’t spend your whole life as a good time Charley!”

“ Why not? There has to be one lottery winner that says, “ I’m going to keep my old house, shed my friends, dump my wife and do all the things I want to do.”

They all shouted in unison, “ You would bring shame on the lottery!”

“ You may be right. So, If I ever win, which I don’t think I ever will, but if I do, I will change Plan A to Plan B. I’ll stay with my wife. Are you all happy now?”

They all started clapping and shouting, “ Good for you!”

“ Yes, and I’ll get three young lovers on the side!!!”

I’ve been very stressed-out lately! I’ve just been reading the latest diet book and I have very negative emotions about it. There are so many diet crackpots around.

My doctor says I need to lose a few pounds. How do I accomplish that feat? I love my food! Every time I eat something I enjoy, I feel guilty, it might be too fattening.

In fact, I’ve been having memory problems recently and the Doc says, because of my stress about my weight and what diet I should follow, I might be developing mild cognitive impairment!!!

Now, I am of Biblical Age and because of my love of food I’m starting to worry, not only about my weight but looming dementia also!

So, I have embarked on the “ To Suffer And Be Miserable Diet”.

The rule of thumb is: If I like it, I can’t have it; if I don’t like it, I can eat all I want.

So, I eat a lot of mashed up green vegetables. I don’t like green vegetables, but I eat them. Consequently, I don’t gain an ounce!

The only vegetable I like is the baked potato, heaped with butter, sour cream and melted cheese. It tastes wonderful. But I can’t eat it, therefore, I suffer.

Now, I love Italian food, so when I go to my favourite Italian restaurant, I salivate reading the menu. The thing I like is the lasagne or spaghetti carbonara with a bottle of red wine. Can’t have it! So, I order fish with mineral water.

This rule applies even when you go shopping. When you walk down the aisle of the supermarket and you see something that makes you hungry, don’t put it in your trolley. If you see something that makes you sick, take a half-a-dozen of them!

So, ladies and gentlemen, stick to my “ Suffer And Be Miserable Diet” and you’ll lose weight.

The problem is, you might end up with mild cognitive impairment, aka losing your mind!!!

Now, what this fellow did, I’m not saying it was right, but it was funny. In these depressing times anything that gives us a laugh is great.

This fellow lives on the outskirts of Chicago. He is divorced and he hates his ex-wife! This is not unusual. Lots of divorced people hate their former spouses.

Now, if you ask a divorced man who was at fault, he’ll say “ hers”, and his ex-wife will say ‘his”. There is always a saint and a villain. In other words both parties LIE!

Now, this fellow wasn’t violent. To his credit, he showed more wisdom and imagination! When they were divorced, his wife went her way, while he remained at their old house.

One day a letter came for his ex-wife. He felt no compunction about opening the letter and reading it. As he read, a wicked smile crossed his face. The letter was sent from someone who went to his ex-wife’s high school. It was a questionnaire on what they were up to in the last 40 years. The form would be circulated to all the members of the graduating class.

This fellow answered the questionnaire himself, signing his ex-wife’s name and returned it, laughing all the way to the post box. It seemed by reading the form, by more than 200 classmates, his ex-wife had an exciting 40 years since high school!

The question on “ Job” was answered: Retired on 4^th husband’s divorce settlement.

The answer to “ Greatest Accomplishment” was: My 4 divorces, each time I married better off.

The answer to “ Unusual Experience” was: Going to Indiana for my job and having an affair with two guys while my 3^rd husband was back in Chicago working his butt off.

The form went on and on likening his ex-wife to a man-eating tart!

Well, needless to say, his wife read the questionnaire and realized who did the dirty deed. She called her lawyer and slapped a lawsuit on this fellow. She said she had a lot of mental problems because of this prank.

When the case comes to court, this fellow is praying the judge has a terrible ex-wife and takes pity on him.

The Moral: Leave your ex- spouse alone! Forget all about them!