I was talking to a chap in the corner tavern the other day. We were sitting on our high stools at the bar. We were talking to each other by looking at our reflections in the mirror behind the bar.So we didn’t have to turn our heads, it’s easier on the neck!

Well, anyway, he told me he knows an opportunity when he sees one. By the way he was buying me drinks from the money he earned from this opportunity.

I wish they would clean that mirror, I look like I didn’t shave!

Oh well, let’s get to his story. He happened to be walking along the path minding his own business, when a bus and a truck crashed. Nobody was going to the morgue, but about 15 passengers were injured.

So this chap went into ACTION! He wasn’t going to try to rescue anybody, the firemen were doing that. What he did was to sneak through the side door of the bus and slump on a seat and begin moaning as if in extreme pain.

He continued his charade all the way to the A&E, where they gave him pain pills. He went home, took a week off work and wondered how large his personal injury claim would be. It was $1000 just for being a little sneaky.

We both ordered another drink. When all of a sudden we heard a god-awful bang outside the tavern. A car and a bus collided! The whole tavern emptied out.

Everyone was either trying to get on the bus or some just laid down in front of the bus. It was quite a sight. It was my first time doing something like this.

We were all holding our necks or different parts of our bodies and moaning. We were all taken to the hospital. I was fitted with a neck brace! I ended up with $1500, just for a good piece of acting.

Is it worth the effort? Well, the chap I was with, said he’s on the way to financial independence!

Maybe I should continue “ writhing in agony” for compensation!

It’s all in a day’s work, Chicago style!

Does this happen in your town?

Here is some “ scientific research”.

It has to do with why some humans are always grouchy while others are always bubbly and happy.

This question has always bothered me. Being a grouch myself, I wanted to know: Why? Why?, are there so many smiling faces?

So, a scientist kindly took a look at students and how they reacted to bad grades.

He found that the gloomy students blamed themselves for their terrible grades.

On the other hand, those who are happy and bubbly most of the time, usually blamed other things for their poor grades. Maybe the teachers were no good. Or something was on their mind, distracting them. It was never their fault!

So, the conclusion was that the gloomy group were right, they were at fault, themselves. They were realistic!

The “ happy” people were just kidding themselves. They were at fault, also, but they would not accept it. Someone or something else was to blame. They were unrealistic!

So, the cheerful people don’t really realise what’s going on. That’s why they are happy!

Someone said to me the other day; “ Cheer up, things have a way of turning out alright and get better in the end.”

I said: “ If that’s true, how come undertakers are so busy?”

Two presidents come to mind:

First, Abe Lincoln, he hardly ever had a smile on his face. That’s because Abe was well aware of what was going on and it was depressing.

Second, take Ronald Reagan, who was almost always smiling. He even admitted he didn’t always know what was going on!

So, here we have the gloomy president and all that was around as far as weapons go, was a short-range cannon.

And then, we have the happy president, who can’t stop laughing, and mankind has the means to destroy itself!

So, conclusion, people who smile a lot are not better than those of us who frown a lot!

Some people even go as far as to say, “ Smiling is unnatural”. While being grouchy and frowning is natural, since gravity tends to pull our faces and everything else downwards!

End of this “scientific research”!

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

Times are hard now, the politicians and bankers tell us. The cuts will bite deep!

I phoned my wife and said:

“Buy some coal.”

“ Why?”

Because I remember my father telling me during the Great Depression if you had some coal for the furnace, you were okay.”

“ But we have gas heat!”

“ Buy some coal anyway, the utility companies are heartless. And while you’re at it buy potatoes.”

“ Why?”

“ Because I remember my dad telling me they ate a lot of potatoes during the Depression. They’re cheap and they stick to your ribs. And switch off most of the lights in the house, one room, one light!”

When I got home, the house was dark, my wife was in bed, nothing else to do in these hard times.

I switched on the TV and heard an “expert” say times weren’t as bad as they appeared and there in no reason, yet, to commit suicide!

The commentator then said this could be the time to capitalize on some buying opportunities. So I headed for the financial district.

“ Excuse me, are you an upward mobile financial man?”

“ Yes.”

“ Can I ask you a question?”

“ Yes, but make it fast, I’m headed for the nearest bridge!”

“ Are you a broker or a trader?”

Yes, yes, but why are you asking these questions?”

“ Well, I was wondering what kind of wrist watch you’re wearing.”

“  A Rolex, of course, what kind of Broker-Trader do you think I am?”

“ Want to sell it?”

“ Yes, I won’t need it now.”

I gave him a few bucks and said:

“ Is that a Burberry trenchcoat you’re wearing?”

“ Yes.”

“ I’ll take it.” I gave him another couple of bucks.

“ Now, how about your car? Is it a Merc?’

“ Yes, it is, and I love it.”

“ I know how you feel, but at a time like this you need to relieve yourself of this drain on your cash.”

He gave me the keys and said:

“ It has a list price of…”

“ No, no, in these hard times the market is flooded with them.”

I put a couple of dollars in his hand and took the keys.

“ Is there anything else?” I said.

He looked at me with a far away look in his eyes.

“ Well yes, but it’s my prized possession.”

“ You can’t take it with you,” I reminded him.

“ What is it?”

“ It’s my Golf Club membership. I have my own locker!”

“ Give it to me and I’ll take you there one last time as my guest.”

The Broker-Trader stared at me in disbelief.

“ Nice doing business with you.”

“ Wait, take this,  you might as well have everything.”

He took out a metal container from his pocket.

“ What is it?”

“ My Coke.”

“ No thanks, I prefer Budweiser!”

THE WORLD IS A MADHOUSE!

Chicago is known for being the land of gangsters and guns. There are many lobbies for gun control.

Now, I don’t own a gun. But my friend said I could have used one when I got robbed last week. If I had been armed, I might have avoided losing my small change. But I wouldn’t have escaped the trauma, in fact it would have been more scary!

Well, I don’t know, maybe I would have been more aggressive with a gun.

I’m in the lobby of my apartment house. A man comes out of the shadows and shoves a gun in my face! I only have change in my pocket. I wonder will he be angry because I only have a couple of dollars in change?

Now, even if I owned a gun, it would probably be upstairs in the night table drawer next to my bed. I wouldn’t have it on me because it’s illegal to carry a concealed weapon.

Now, the gun being in a drawer in my bedroom makes it more convenient for me to suddenly wake up and shoot my wife or my foot! I probably wouldn’t get the intruder.

Now, getting back to the gunman in the lobby. I could appeal to his sense of fair play and say: “ Do you mind if I go upstairs and get my gun and we can settle this?” I don’t think the burglar would go for that suggestion.

But, lets say that I owned a gun and had it on me when I was accosted. The burglar would probably squeeze his trigger before I even got my gun out of my pocket. In which case, I lose!

Suppose I wait until he takes my change and flees. I could then draw my gun and drop him at 20 feet!

Now, this is not the movies. I would probably miss by a mile! He could turn around and put a hole through my forehead.

The odds are bad. First, I have to own a gun and have it on me. Second, I have to be a crack shot and hit a moving target at 20 or 30 feet.

My question is: With all the guns in Chicago, why do so few criminals get shot when they accost the public?

My friend replied, “ I don’t know. All I know is I’ve got a gun and I feel safer having it.”

“ OK, but where were you, my friend, and your gun, when I needed you?”

The old man sits alone in his room, mumbling to himself. The room has a stove, a sink, a toilet, a fridge, a single bed in the corner, one chair, and a bureau of drawers. The plaster is pealing and the one window has torn curtains. One picture of the countryside hangs crooked on the wall.

The city doesn’t care whether you live of die. Once every four weeks someone will check on you if you don’t pay the rent.The manager of this Chicago rooming house will come up and rap on the door.

“ Your rent is due!”

No answer!

They bust down the door and find that the occupant has been dead for a month!

The man keeps mumbling to himself. He is lonely, he doesn’t even have a dog. Dogs aren’t allowed in the rooming house. You don’t have a dog, you don’t have nothing, just a big zero!

The poor souls in this house are just looking to die. They’re waiting for doomsday. Which, of course, is on the cards for all of us. But a man’s gotta squeeze some good out of life, doesn’t he?

But, between the time he’s born and the time he dies, some never get that goodness. You’re nothing! Money is the king, today. That’s all that matters, if you’ve got the bucks.

Does anybody really give a damn? I saw a guy going 60 MPH down a side road and then he crashed into a parked car. The other car looked like and accordion!

The world is full of hypocrites. That’s why I gave up religion. I’ve seen  what’s going on, and how people act. I was an altar boy but now I firmly believe it’s all a big hoax. I’m not a firm atheist. I’m what you call agnostic. Someone who sits on the fence, not saying one way of the other!

Someone, the other day, asked me:

“ Do you see any hope?”

When a man gets up in years it’s not important what’s going to happen in 25 or 30 years. It’s the young people that have to worry about that.

When I talk to other old men in the park, they don’t care. They say, too bad, it’s terrible and then they go on their way. Because they aren’t going to change anything and even if things did change, they wouldn’t get any benefit from it!

I should have stayed in a smaller town. I think I would have been in a better situation now. In a big city it’s lonely and impersonal, no one knows you or cares.

The old man lights up a cigarette butt and gazes out of the dirty window.

On the street outside the rooming house, neon lights cut through the night.

Across the street there is a big sign:

“ The mayor is promoting “ URBAN OPPORTUNITY!”

I remember how pleasant it was by the big window in the showroom. The room was light, warm, quiet and quite luxurious to me. For you see I had just come from the factory, which was dirty and noisy!

When I first arrived at the showroom, they polished me up until my black body was gleaming. My model name glistened on the front of my body. “ Black Beauty”, it said on a white background. I was very proud and ready to help someone get around.

I, you see, am a Heavy Duty, Four-Wheeled, Mobility Scooter, top speed 8 MPH!

After two weeks of carefree days looking at the passing parade outside the showroom window and receiving all the kind care from the people in the showroom, I was sold!

My owner was a small man in his seventies who walked with a limp. He had stringy grey hair slicked back, small eyes and a long pointed nose. His features were bird-like. He mumbled to himself a lot, also.

When we got to his house, he said, “ Well, Black Beauty, I hope I get my money’s worth out of you.”

And then he kicked my tyres. He kept me in a dark, damp shed in the back of his garden. What a change from my lovely showroom!

The next day, the door of the shed opened and the light of day streamed in. He got onto my cushioned seat and of we went. He scratched my body going through the gate. He didn’t even stop to inspect my damage!

We raced down the path at 8 MPH, which was against regulations, only 4 MPH was allowed on the pavement!

We whizzed past adults and children, almost hitting them. We passed a red scooter and the owner shook his fist at us!

We arrived at the Super Market, we went through the door in a flash. He finally slowed down when he bumped me into a shelf—another scratch! When he looked for his groceries, he blocked the aisle, not caring about others.

At the checkout he knocked a woman’s leg in front of us. She glared at us.

“ Watch where you are going old man”, she shouted.

I felt so sorry and embarrassed, but not my owner. He just shouted back.

“ Don’t shout at me, I’m disabled!”

On our way out he knocked over a shelf. The tin cans went everywhere. The manger banned him from the store!

On the way home, he was going so fast we almost tipped over. He had turned me into a Mobility Menace! My owner was a little shaken up from our outing.

After that, I ended up in the damp, dark shed for months. It was a shame not being used by someone who would take care of me and drive carefully.

Finally, one day, the shed door opened. My owner’s son said,” This is the Black Beauty, it needs a little cleaning up.”

I was sold again. My new owner was a lady in her sixties whose legs were weakened permanently after a long illness. She had a kind face and a gentle touch on my controls. I lived in a clean, airy garage with a window. My owner’s husband took good care of me, polishing my black body every week.

My new owner rode me carefully, within the rules. She often said to me when no one else was around, “ Black Beauty, I rely on you so much, you are like a friend.”

Being with her was even better than being in the showroom. I served her proudly to the end of my days.

John’s  POV

I was relaxing in my study having a cocktail and admiring the oil painting I had done of Carl and I. Then Beth came in.

“ I’m so glad you and Carl are getting along so good. Carl seems very happy. He’s had a rough time the first thirteen years of his life. But since I befriended him, he is much happier.”

Beth’s expression was strained.

“ What’s wrong, Beth?”

“ Some thoughts have been bothering me. Dad, do you consider Carl as a son?” said Beth, abruptly, glancing up at the huge oil painting.

“ Yes, he is like a son to me. What brought this on?”

“ Well, I’m seventeen years old and I’ve only really known you for a month! And yet I am your DAUGHTER! A BLOOD RELATION! You abandoned my mother and me in England. I’m your daughter and you haven’t had time for me until now.”

I was taken aback!

“ I sent your mother money when I could. She knew my address in Chicago, but she only wrote to me once to tell me she didn’t want to hear from me anymore!”

“ That’s no excuse, I was your daughter, didn’t you care about me?”

“ Of course I cared and I felt guilty, but your mother never even sent me a picture of you.”

Beth was glaring at me now. Was it hate I saw in her eyes?

“ In the following years, I got married and had a son. Sadly, they both got killed in a car accident in which I was driving! I was completely devastated. The, in 1949, I met Carl as a thirteen year old boy. I befriended him and since then we have gotten very close.”

I could feel the tension in the room!

“ So, all these years I had no father but you had two sons! It just isn’t fair, I hate you!”

Beth turned and went upstairs to her room and slammed the door.

***

My daughter’s outburst rekindled my memories of my boyhood. It was anything but happy…

My father was a drunkard. When my mother wasn’t around he would beat me just to let out his frustrations. I hated my father! I had a father, but I would have been better off not having one. A terrible thought.

When I was a teenager I felt the world was a hostile place. Because of my grievances with life, I acquired a skewed sense of reality.

When I became a man, I felt I had a dual personality. Sometimes I’d be mister nice guy and then I would switch abruptly and do something antisocial. When I was pressured I would lash out at the world!

So when Romato pressured me to pay up my loan and then threatened my life, I did anything to survive!

Then, my wife and son got killed when I was driving. So I linked up with Romato to get back at a hostile world. I got used to big money and the feeling of power that the criminal world gave me.

The dark side of me came to the forefront which resisted any moral control that I might have had.This shadow of my self, now, has complete control over me except when it comes to Carl and Beth’s well being.

I often wonder if my personality is split. But, even the moon has a dark side…

***

I went upstairs and knocked on Beth’s door and opened it. She was lying on the bed crying. I went over and sat on the edge of the bed and rubbed her back. She moved away from me.

“ Come on, Beth, don’t be like this.”

She sat up abruptly.

“ How am I supposed to feel? Now, you’re trying to lessen your guilt by getting me together with Carl, like one happy family.”

“ Yes, that’s what I would like us to be, a family.”

Beth wiped a tear from her cheek.

“ I’ve had this hate inside me for what you did all my life. I felt guilty for hating you. Now, I find out you have a son figure and you treat him better than your blood relation.”

Beth, I’m sure we can work this out. I love you and Carl and that’s why I introduced you to him.”

My daughter just stared at me in silence.

“ Tomorrow night I’m going to have Carl over for dinner and we three will talk this out”

***

Carl’s  POV

It was Monday after work. I got a call from John. John and Beth wanted me to come over to talk something out. I wondered what was up. From John’s tone of voice, it sounded important. So I rapped on John’s door within the hour.

“ Come on in, Carl,” said my friend, looking grim faced.

John led me into the lounge, where Beth was sitting, looking grim faced as well!

“ What’s this all about, John?”

“ My daughter has voiced her concern over our father-son relationship, since I never was a father to her until now.” John broke off abruptly, choked with emotion.

Beth jumped into the conversation. “ I feel very left out, wondering where I stand.”

“ I just want us to be a family,” said John.

I looked at both of them and knew I would have to reconcile this situation, otherwise I will lose both John and Beth.

“ I want us to be a family, too. I’m torn apart listening to your two punishing yourselves. I’m so grateful I met John. He’s helped me over many rough spots since my father got killed. Now, I’ve met you, Beth, and I feel so comfortable in your company. It would be a shame to throw our relationships away because of guilt.”

They were both listening to me intently.

“ Beth, I think I’m falling in love with you, and I certainly don’t want to lose you.

John, you are my father-image, ever since I was thirteen years old. I don’t want to lose that friendship. We all feel guilty about some aspect of our relationship. But guilt is a corrosive emotion. It makes us feel like we deserve blame and punishing. Well, I love you both and I very much want us to be a family. So let’s stop this depressive thinking and get on with being grateful we three are together. We should be happy!”

John and Beth stared at me with sadness in their eyes. I hugged them both and we all started laughing. The misconception was over. The rift was healed.

The three of us went out to dinner!

CARL’S  POV

Note: It is 1959. John’s love child, from his army days, Beth, his daughter, has come over from England to live with him. John introduces Carl to Beth and they start dating.

***

On our third date I took Beth to my favourite place of my youth, Riverview Amusement Park. Even the entrance was stunning. You walked under a huge archway about sixty feet long and thirty feet high.It was painted red, white and blue, the colours of : Old Glory”, the American flag! Coloured bunting was draped across the midway. The man selling balloons was right at the gateway to the park. He was as colourful as his balloons, with his candy stripped jacket! He looked like he might float away with his big bunch of balloons!

“ I’m so excited, Carl,” said Beth, glutching my hand.

“ This is just the entrance, wait until you see the rides and attractions!”

I paid our admission and through the turnstiles we went. The crowds were streaming in under the bright sunshine. I could smell the hot dogs and onions on the grill at the food tent.

“ Smell that, Beth, dogs and onions, we’ll have one later.”

“ Cotton candy! Cotton candy!” the vendor shouted.

“ Want some cotton candy, Beth?”

“ Oh, yes please, in England we call it candy floss.”

It just melted in our mouths.

“ Well, Beth,we’ve got a lot to get through today, so let’s start with the “ Tunnel of Love”.

We jumped into the rickety boat and entered the dark tunnel under the big red heart hanging over the entrance. I stole a kiss from Beth, she giggled and it echoed through the darkness.

When we came out into the light, Beth said, “ You’re a sneak, Carl Willis, I wasn’t prepared for that kiss, but I enjoyed it anyway!”

“ Well, at least you didn’t get bitten by the Black Widow Spider!”

“ What!” Beth was wide-eyed.

“ Just a rumour, I think,” I laughed.

“ The Greyhound next.”

As we approached the Greyhound rollercoaster, I played experienced coaster rider!

“ Now Beth, the Greyhound is known as the “ beginner” coaster, it has smaller hills. My father took me on it when I was eight years old.”

“ So Carl, we’re starting tame and working our way up”

“ That’s right, you’ve got the idea.”

We jumped into one of the cars, it had a safety cage over it. It resembled a silver train I put my arm around Beth and off we went up the first hill. Beth let out a little whimper when we headed down.

“ Well, that was a nice smooth first hill with just a little excitement. But I enjoyed it,” said Beth.

A few more small hills and that was the end of the ride.

“ Guess your age, sweetheart?”

It was the clown at the “ Guess Your Age” booth.

“  Oh Carl, do you think he can guess my age?”

“ Well, let’s see!”

I paid the twenty-five cents and the clown started scrutinizing  Beth from all angles. Beth was giggling away!

“ I’ll have to guess within two years,” said the clown.

He started mumbling to himself.

“  Twenty years old,” he said.

“ You’re wrong,” laughed Beth.

The clown’s painted face went from smile to grimace!

“ Well sweetheart, before you pick your prize, I’ll have to see I.D. with your birth date.”

Beth showed the clown her I.D. and selected her prize.

“ You looked older than seventeen,” he snarled.

Beth picked a chain necklace with the emblem “ Riverview, Chicago” attached to it. I put it around Beth’s neck and fastened it.

We started walking and kicking the saw dust that covered the entire midway.

“ What’s next?”

“ It’s Aladdin’s Castle.”

“ What’s that?”

“ It’s the Fun House, filled with mirrors, smoke and slanting floors.”

The huge building had a big grinning image of Aladdin over the entrance. I paid the admission and we entered the first room full of crazy mirrors. We had a great time looking at our distorted images.

Then came the rolling barrels. You had to walk through, but we both fell down half way laughing.

Next the tilted rooms. We were getting dizzy now, but it was great fun.

At one point there was an outdoor balcony platform that connected the sections of the building. On this balcony the designers had built in a series of high pressure air jets. As the gals would be walking over the jets, the operators would release them. It was hilarious! Beth screamed! The air jets went off and skirts and petticoats went flying upward. Crowds would gather by the fence out front just to watch the show!

We came out of Aladdin’s Castle laughing uncontrollably.

“ Carl, you knew about those air jets, you devil you.”

“ Nice legs,” I smiled, sheepishly.

Down the midway we went hand in hand.

“ There’s our next ride, Beth,” I pointed up two hundred feet above us.

“ The Pair-o-Chutes! Oh no, Carl, that looks too scary,” cried Beth.

“ Come on, Beth, where’s your sense of adventure?”

Beth was looking up to the top of the tower. She was clearly nervous.

“ How does it work,Carl?”

“ You see that chute going up now?”

“ Yes.”

“ Notice the four guide cables attached to it, they stop it from floating away. The central cable is for hoisting it up.”

Beth was biting her bottom lip!

“ Now, when it gets to the top it hits an uncoupling device and down it comes, opened up.”

The admission paid, Beth and I climbed the stairs to the swing chair that held two people.

“ Just enough room for both of us, Beth.”

Beth stared straight ahead. The operator fastened us in with a broad leather belt.

The wind began to blow! The “ up” button was pushed and we were slowly lifted skyward. It would take a couple of minutes to get to the top. The Chicago skyline was before us. The upward ride was scary for some, but very enjoyable for others.

“ Isn’t it a beautiful view, Beth? You can see quite a distance over Chicago, to the river.”

“ Carl, I feel the flapping of the parachute in the wind. We’re vibrating!”

“ Just part of the excitement, Beth.”

Looking down, as the people on the ground were getting smaller, I noticed two men aiming binoculars up at us.Were they the same two that had been harassing Beth and myself on our last two dates?

All of a sudden a loud “ CLICK” sounded and the chute was released! Beth was screaming during the free fall

“ Carl, I’ve got butterflies in my tummy,” shouted Beth.

The chute opened and we drifted down. “Ker-Plunk”, we hit the shock absorbers at the bottom.

“ Hold on, Beth,” I yelled.

We hit the shocks with such force that the springs stretched to their full limits. Then they recoiled with a force that bounced us in the seat violently! We were very wobbly when we got on solid ground again.

“ Oh, Carl, that was out of this world!”

“ It’s an exciting ride with the slow ascent to dizzying heights, the free fall, the fast descent and the great bounce at the end. It takes your breath away!”

I didn’t want to worry Beth about the two men with binoculars. I was looking around to see if I could spot them. But they had disappeared!

“ Well, Beth, here’s our last ride. The largest rollercoaster in the park!”

“ How high is the first hill, Carl?”

“ About ninety feet, then a steep drop going fifty mph with heavily banked turns.”

Beth just stared in disbelief as she listened to the screams coming from the cars whizzing past.

“ When we were kids, this was the ride that separated the men from the boys,” I said, boldly.

“ Carl, the cars are completely open!”

“ Yes, isn’t it great? You’re not locked in your seat, there’s room for movement, just a hand bar over your lap!”

The sign said, “ The Bobs, 17 hills of thrills!”

I paid the admission and we walked up a steep ramp to reach the boarding platform. The walk up felt like the march of the condemned to execution!

We got into a car and put the bar over our lap and waited. The coaster train started it’s ascent. Click-a-ty Clack, went the chain link pulling the train of cars to the top of the first hill. As we neared the top, all of a sudden a figure jumped up in the car behind us and hit the bar across our lap with an iron pipe and dislodged the bar and it fell loose!

The coaster went over the top, we were hanging on to the sides of the car with all our might. Beth was screaming, we hit the bottom of the hill and the tightly banked turn with such speed that the “G” forces threw us from side to side, alternately pinning us one against the other, almost flying out of the car!

As we went up the next hill, I looked behind and there were the two men dressed in black! The men with the binoculars. When we went over the next hill they were trying to push us out of our car! Beth and I were fighting them with all our strength.

Beth bit one of their hands and drew blood. I was receiving violent hits to my arms, trying to make me let go of the side of the car. At any moment I was afraid both of us would tumble out!

One of the operators of the ride saw that we almost flew out of the car at the banked turn. He signalled the motorman to bring the ride in on a spur by activating a switching device.

The train of cars glided into the station. The two men behind us disappeared into the confused crowd and into the busy midway.

Beth and I were battered and bruised. Beth was in a terrible upset state! The park security men took us to the park first aid station and they dressed our wounds. A policeman came and took our statement. He reported the incident on his car radio. We couldn’t provide much of an identification other than two heavy-set men dressed in black!

We called John to come and take us home.

Three dates and three attempts to harm us or worse!

But I think I’m the real target!

***